34 | fit for purpose

Thirty-three started with possibilites, trying to have patience about said possibilities, and aiming for some peace. Who knew that it would start a whole journey of purpose?

This last year, the reoccuring theme is purpose. I think it is so easy to lose sight of what your purpose is, but also to get sucked into the crippling doubt of if you have one. How feeble purpose can be if it is bound to the wrong thing.

I threw out my back (don't ask me how, I can't tell you and neither can the doctors) a little over a month before my 33rd birthday. When I tell you that I felt like so many things I had hope for seemed to be crumbling before me because my body definitively said - STOP - I mean I was questioning to the point of tears. One of the thoughts I remember having and wrestling with was "am I being silenced?" Because my new reality of paying close attention to how I sat, moved, overall functioned really made me think about what I was trying to do. Could I still aim for a career in sports photography? Can I still do any of the photography that I enjoy? Spoiler - yes, I can. But when you are initially faced with an obstacle (this is possibly just me, but probably true for anyone else who is pessimistically inclined), you question whether or not you can do it.

So why do I say "spoiler - yes, I can"? Because I chose to take a step towards better health for me. I now regularly go to the gym - something I've never done. I've got a good team of people who are helping me make sure I am rebuilding myself safely. The amount of progress that has made from being unable to really move without assistance to functioning with little to no pain and being stronger overall.

But what does all of this have to do with purpose? I think it's normal for us to think more towards career. It's certainly where my brain went (especially with my mini spiral about whether or not I could do what I am aiming for). But what if the purpose you are designed for, that I'm designed for, is more than just a career?

The last year has certainly highlighted how everything is connected. With the seemingly world ending pain, I thought that was my hip or my leg because that was where I felt the pain. Would have never thought that my back could have created that. But the way our bodies are designed, the hamstrings and quads can create pain in the back, just like a herniated disc in your spine can create a shooting pain down your leg. Through my recovery training, there has been a lot of lessons in how certain exercises help with the overall health of other parts of the body even when they don't seem to have anything to do with that specific part of the body.

Spiritual health and physical health mirror each other in a way. They both take consistency and neither are magical solutions to perceived problems. If you take time off for any reason at all, it can feel slower when you try to get back into the rhythm of it. And I think I'm hitting a rhythm that feels like me and God are doin' just fine.

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